Fierce Love

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Fierce Love

I said earlier I’m looking for the next way, the 4th way, the way of evolution beyond fight, flight, freeze. I’m receiving glimpses of Truth beyond this earthly struggle. It passes in and out of my awareness like clouds in the breeze. Forming and reforming before my eyes…and I can never seem to grasp hold for long. This is my attempt to hold on to this seemingly highest truth.
I see the effect that the election of such a triggering man has had on friends, family, strangers, the nation, the world. It seems as if lines have been drawn in the sand. Us and Them have now been solidified. There is no going back. There is no stopping this wave of “I’m right and you are so so SO wrong.” On both sides. Snickering, snarkeyness, disrespect for opinion. AND this “never going back” attitude has created a wave of energy unlike anything in my whole lifetime, moreover in my parents and grandparents lifetimes.
And somewhere beyond the absurdity of it all, I’m deeply grateful for this new energy, this enlivened passion, this “Never Going Back” because my passion for what is right and good and true and noble has been reawakened to what it was when I was a teenager, willing to walk the streets asking for a quarter for world peace. Gaining the attention of Elise Boulding. I wish with all my heart, I’d remember what she told me. I remember it was a conversation at her home, over tea, and she encouraged me to persevere whether I succeeded in my current adventure or not. I remember being faintly disappointed by our talk albeit honored. I didn’t succeed at that time and the whirlwind of life took me in a thousand different directions.
Now I’m here; 30 years later, feeling like I’m at the same crossroads. I have a deep passion, a yearning so far inside it’s easy to hide and keep it safe from harm. I have a lingering vision in my mind, in my heart, to work at changing the world. I want to hide it deeper and never let it out, to keep it safe…to watch it die. And I can’t. I can’t let it die. It burst out of my soul the other day, the other month. The day “our worst fears were realized.” It’s not the same angered passion of my youth, it’s an older, slower more methodical passion. A passion that’s been knocked around a time or two. It’s grownup, has some tatters, tears, letdowns…and insight. It doesn’t want to prance into the gym and humiliate the jock who humiliated another. It’s not going to walk brazenly down the street and call out white supremists. It’s not going to head face first into a post-football game crowd and, with the giggle of a fairy, call people to Jesus. It’s not going to be fueled by the rage of others to find a better way. And in the contemplation, that comes with age, this passion is searching for the 4th way. Fierce Love. I’ve called it. A love stronger than hate. The love of myth and movie. The love of legend.
And this is the same love that’s been murdered. This is the love that’s been humiliated. Disregarded. Laughed at. Over and over and over in our history.
The 4th way is different. I feel it in my bones. It might, in fact, be the same love that I’ve deeply admired in others and shied away from myself. It might be the love of MLK, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, the Dalai Lama. The difference might be that, this time, the 4th way is mine. And I’m compelled to step forward. To persistently attempt compassion, acceptance and reassurance wherever I go. To smile at the cynical me. To enjoy a laugh with her, and with the tenacity of a flower reaching through the concrete to breathe life into itself, to attempt compassion, acceptance and reassurance again and again. Fierce Love. Fierce because this love refuses to neglect or reject my own heart that desperately craves compassion, acceptance and reassurance. You are loved Cheryl. You are good. You are strong. You are whole. You are Holy. YOU are doing the best you can do; it is enough. And in the synthesis of loving your and my unlovable parts; the pain, rage, sorrow and self-criticism can be breathed back into life and bust through the concrete to see the light of love. Fierce Love.
SO how do I step forward? What do I do? Do I join the democratic action party? Do I tear down the other side with the fierceness of the T party? Or do I offer a place of sanctuary for those who feel as torn and broken as me?

By | 2017-01-24T11:10:42-07:00 January 24th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

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