So I’ve found myself in a bad bad situation. One that I despise. One that makes me angry every single day…over and over and over. Sometimes it feels like my mood simply cannot remain un-angry for more than a couple hours. I AM MAD. PISSED. ANGRY. FRUSTRATED.
And rather than searching for more mad mad words I’ll go into why.
My inlaws moved in.
For some I’ve wrung the recognition bell…”ooooohhhhhhhwwwwww…right, I get it. Yikes.”
Over the years, I’ve come to embrace that I am an introvert. Which doesn’t mean I don’t like people or anything, just I need private, quiet time to recharge. Over the years I’ve also come to realize that I was raised as an independent, White, US American woman…which I’m embracing also. 😉 Suddenly, I’ve found myself living with 3 community oriented raised, Asian, Korean people. They speak a language I mostly don’t understand, they have values I wasn’t raised with, and have different ideas of right and wrong. And I feel like the odd one out. I feel judged, I feel bullied (albeit very politely) and I feel alone and lonely in my own home. Which brings me back to mad, frustrated, pissed, angry…and add feeling hurt, confused, and unloved.
And to make matters worse, I consider myself a spiritual person on an evolutionary path. Damn. I so want to revert to “he said, she said, you don’t, I do, wrong, right, good, bad…” (which I suppose I have many times these days). And I have this niggling feeling that if this were an evolutionary lesson (ahem) I would reeeaaaallly want to get a passing grade SO I DON’T HAVE TO REPEAT THIS @#^&*&$! CLASS!
So, in the quiet of my room (in which I hide often as of late) I’m digging deeper and deeper into the spiritual lessons that I’ve learned and even taught over the years.
There’s the biblical: “love your enemies.” We got the timeless classics: “Surrender.” and “Accept what is.” And who doesn’t remember: “Only Love.”
Each moment in my less-than-comfortable day I have a choice to bless rather than curse, to breathe through the anger that arises 100 times a day, to surrender and stop fighting against what I feel is unjust. That last one seems to be the hardest for me. First, I was raised to be a strong willed independent woman. I was raised to question the roles of women, to use my voice to be as strong and as powerful as a man, to act like a man if the need arose. And in odd juxtaposition, I was a daughter of a beaten woman, a daughter of domestic violence, a girl who saw her beaten mother not have the courage to leave. And through that I made an inner commitment to NEVER allow anyone to tell me what to do or how to do it. I am brave, I am strong, I’ve fought against injustice, I’ve looked into the eyes of wrongdoers and stated “NEVER”…and I’ve lost jobs, communities and friends because of that NEVER.
So now I find myself in my own personal prison of injustice… and my humanness is crying, no wailing; “YOU CANNOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! YOU HAVE TO FIGHT! YOU HAVE TO RESIST! YOU HAVE TO RUN! YOU SHALL NEVER FEEL UNSAFE IN YOUR OWN HOME!”
How do I breathe into that? How do I not curse when every bone in my body is telling me to fight or flee?
My spiritual practice has become to feel my Self as the ocean as I feel the waves of anger rise like a tsunami. To know that the ocean will never ever get drowned by a wave.
To deeply love the angry part of me that wants to fight, the fearful part of me in post traumatic stress, the lonely part that hides in her room. To know that perhaps those parts of me have been fighting, fearing, and hiding simply to get my attention so I can give them the depth of love and attention that only I know how to give because it was only I who experienced my life and only I who knows how to love me in the depth and honor that I deserve.
Even now, that little girl who told herself “I will NEVER be beaten, bullied or taken advantage of…” is crying; visceral memories of victimhood in childhood flooding in. As so I love her, like only one who’s been through it can. And I feel strong, capable, and able. Even as I feel weak and scared.
And I am the ocean…holding both of these waves…and I know the goodness of bad.